


i just want to die.

by woobff



Series: jacob's healing [1]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23109409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobff/pseuds/woobff
Summary: he just wants to end the pain, not his life.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Series: jacob's healing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118927
Comments: 2
Kudos: 82





	i just want to die.

**Author's Note:**

> it's one of that nights where the thoughts are too loud.

" why are you crying? " he has heard that line so many times, probably more then his ten fingers could count. 

and for everytime he was asked, he would reply with a small chuckle and the light shrug of his shoulders. 

because how does he explain to people the gnawing pain in his chest as his mind repeatedly scold him for being a worthless human being. 

how does he explain that majority of the time, he wished he killed himself, be it from an accidental deep cut to his wrist, or to have hung himself with a rope tied to the fan or even jumping off the roof. 

how does he explain that he has this frequent episodes where he feels so numb to the extent that he has to force himself to cry to feel an emotion. 

no one, of a perfect mental health, could be able to understand him. 

so he just replies, 

" it's nothing, " 

when he knows it was beyond nothing. 

jacob found himself seated at the latch of the window panel, his feet swinging back and forth accompanying the gentle hustle of the night wind. 

head resting against the frame, he traced his fingertips against the expanse of his forearm, the stinging sensation being a second home for him. 

his eyes were sore and bloodshot, from the hour of breakdown he had as he sliced his wrist open and letting the red liquid drip out. 

he felt the sudden urge to just scratch the lines once more, to feel it rip open and to feel the pain that anchor him. 

but then the door to his room open, followed the shuffling of feet before a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and the soft weight of the chin on his shoulder. 

" how're you doing sunshine? " kevin asked, turning to give a chaste kiss to his cheeks. 

" i want to die, " jacob says in favor of a reply, hiding his face in the crook of the younger neck when he heard his breath hitch. 

" that's okay, i understand baby. can we just cuddle now? " 

jacob wanted to oppose, wanted kevin to just push him out the window and let himself crash down from the tenth story and let his skull crack open. 

just so that he can end this numbness he's feeling. 

but he could do nothing more than nod his head when he felt the familiar two taps on his hips. 

two taps = please, let me take care of you. 

and so when he felt that, he willingly let himself be carried away from the latch he grew fond of as he was brought to the bed in the room, 

" let's just sleep okay? " kevin asked as he brings the blanket up to both their chins. 

" yeah, " 

  
so when jacob said his episodes were frequent, it meant it could happen anytime. 

when he's having a boys day out with his friends. 

when he's having therapy. 

and now, when he's having a movie marathon with his boyfriend. 

the younger has his feet entangled with his as his left arm was around his shoulder, fingers mindlessly playing jacob's ear piercings while the other was busy massaging the bruised knuckles. 

jacob on the other hand has his left hand hidden under the blanket, nails scrapping against the fresh marks on his thighs. 

he felt so useless. 

he's so depressed and suicidal to the extent that someone has to take care of him and supervise him. 

and what more his boyfriend? 

kevin must've felt like he's being too burdensome. he's probably doing it because of his mother. 

" ーcob? jacob! you're bleeding! " the panic voice woke him up from the mini battle he had in his mind, making him come face to face with a crying kevin. 

" what? " 

" you're bleeding! hold on, where's the first aid?! " kevin asked, already up on his feet as he went to the kitchen, already knowing where it is despite the question beforehand. 

jacob was left alone for a few seconds, to comprehend what was happening. looking down he saw the big red patch on the blanket, directly above his thighs. 

shit, he mutters as he pull off the blanket wincing as some of the wool got stuck to his wound. 

" here babe, please, i'll take care of you, " kevin fumbles over his words as he kneels down in front of him, dabbing alcohol swabs over the wounds. 

" you need to let me know when things get loud, cob. please, i don't wanna loose you, " he continues, hiccups in between as he wrap the bandage around jacob's thigh, muttering sorry every time the older flinches. 

and jacob hates himself even more at every tear drop that slides down kevin's cheeks. 

  
currently ten minutes past two am, jacob found himself seated against the headboard, the palms of his hand rubbing his eyes harshly. 

he was crying. 

he was crying. 

the sudden urge of emotions, of sadness, that washed over him, made him feel sick to the stomach that he woke up the moment his eyes were about to close. 

" i'm so sorry for always worrying you, kev, " he whispers behind his right palm, as the other cups kevin's cheeks. 

he let his fingers traced the soft features of the other, as if trying to remember and encased it into his memory. 

" you don't deserve to stay with me, kevin. you deserve happiness, " jacob sobs, now not bothering to hide in his crying and instead crouching down to hug the younger, 

" i'm so sorry for being such a burden, " he cries out into his neck, fingers clutching the back of the tee. 

he cried for what seemed like hours, with his boyfriend being a heavy sleeper, not once realising the breakdown occuring in front of him until jacob stopped crying. 

" ーve you so much. i love you so much kevin, " the older repeats like a mantra, 

" and i love you too jacob. " 

  
" how are you feeling? " 

" i feel like i want to die, " 

" that's alright, thank you for telling me baby, " 

" i'm so sorry, " 

" don't be, i still love you, " 

**Author's Note:**

> not every story has a happy ending. 
> 
> so please, check up on your loved ones. 
> 
> even if they seem okay, you may never know.


End file.
